This Is Not Okay

It has been a frustrating few weeks. A woman was sexually assaulted. She is experiencing trauma. She happens to have an intellectual disability. She cannot access counseling services because she is “too low”. That is discrimination.

I understand the concept of ‘do no harm’ in this situation. We should not further harm a victim of sexual assault through our interventions. But isn’t it harmful to deny services to someone who desperately needs them? Isn’t it harmful to tell the family “your daughter is too low”? I believe that a very harmful assumption has been made in this situation. I wish I could tell you this is unusual but it is not. It appears to be somewhat common practice to deny people who communicate in a non-traditional manner access to quality victim services. I am appalled and saddened by this.
Yes, it has been a frustrating few weeks. A different woman was sexually assaulted. She happens to have a developmental disability. The assault happened nearly three years ago. The family is fighting for justice in a criminal justice system that does not see this victim as credible. This, too, feels like discrimination.

I understand that this ‘case’ might take more time to collect evidence and to prosecute than in ‘easier’ cases. I believe that everyone communicates and that many people with communication disabilities can testify in court. I also know that sometimes an evidence-based prosecution may be the best course of action, but do we even try that when the victim may not be able to testify in court? I do not understand when people whose job it is to protect the public do not even try. I understand very clearly that the message to perpetrators of sexual violence across the nation is this: Sexually assault people with disabilities and nothing will happen to you. And unfortunately, the message to the victims with disabilities is often this: We do not care. I am appalled at these messages! We can do better!

Yes, it has been a frustrating few weeks. An excellent prosecuting attorney, who believes that the voice of every sexual assault victim should be heard in court, contacted me. A woman with developmental disabilities was sexually assaulted by staff at her group home. There was physical evidence. There was access. There was testimony. The jury voted not-guilty. The defense attorney called the victim evil and referred to the victim as an object. The offender on the other had was called a ‘person with a family’. So the victim (who has a disability) was painted as bad and the person who sexually assaulted her was painted as a person whose life has value. Apparently the jury believed this hateful story. When will the public be outraged at this targeted violence against people with disabilities? When will the public see people with disabilities as having equal value with other human beings?

Yes, it has been a frustrating few weeks. A young student was sexually assaulted at school. The student attends Special Education classes and has had no prevention education. Other students in the same school receive education on bullying, respect, healthy relationships, and reporting abuse….but not the Special Ed students. This feels like discrimination. And now I am not sure what I understand—why would we not educate the students who are at the greatest risk of experiencing bullying and other forms of violence?

Yes, I have felt a lot of frustration the past few weeks. So what happens next? Well, those of us in this movement at the intersection of violence and people with disabilities channel our frustration into our passion to make changes. We walk or roll side by side with people with disabilities and speak up about the issues. We work with families and schools and victim services and criminal justice personnel and hospital personnel and others. We use our voices and our actions to say this is not okay-- and we will not stop. I am grateful to all of you who are in this movement to stop sexual violence against people with disabilities. We are stronger together. Together we rise above the discrimination and create a world of equality and safety.

Getting For vs Giving From

I recently heard a comedian named Michael Jr. speaking on a radio program. He said something that really caught my attention ~ "Instead of asking what can I get for myself, ask what I can give from myself". For the past couple of days, I've pondered that, wondering what can I give from myself.

I find joy in giving gifts to others though it's not always without struggle and stress. I've struggled with trying to come up with the perfect gift for someone who is difficult to shop for. The stress of finding just the right gift in just the right price range for my budget. Hoping that the person really REALLY likes it. Wondering if it's the right color, the right size, the right everything. Will the person use it, wear it, return it? Sound familiar?

Maybe it's not tangible gifts that are most wanted, needed, appreciated, used. Like Michael Jr. said, maybe I should ask myself what can I give.

I realize that I can give many things from myself. My time...my attention...my ability to really listen to what someone is saying, asking, dreaming. All these things I can give are free! I don't have to stress like I've been known to do. The gift of myself can be priceless to the recipient, and I daresay priceless to myself as well. My gift of my time and attention, being fully present, is likely to be the right size and the right color and the right everything for the person to whom I am gifting it. I don't need to wait for a special day or time, any day and time will do, and in fact may be even better than an expected gift!

What can you give from yourself?

Dare to Dream

I remember the phone call clearly.

“I’m an intern at a United Cerebral Palsy organization. I work with a man who has a dream to do public speaking and I hear you might be able to help,” the young voice said.
“Perhaps. Can I speak with the person?”

A few minutes later, I met Curtis on the phone and we were talking about his dream to speak in front of groups. Four months in the future, we were doing a “Dare to Dream” workshop in his part of the state. We agreed that he would be one of the trainers. We exchanged contact information and set a date to meet in person.

The day before the workshop, a colleague and I met Curtis, a man with an amazing light in his eyes and many dreams in his heart. As we got to know each other, he shared the ‘best day of his life” as a weekend when he went out of state and joined other voices for the rights of persons with disabilities. We were sitting with a civil rights activist and we were in awe, open to learn.

He then shared the “worst day of his life” and it turned out to actually be a nightmare that lasted several days. His personal assistant had helped him into bed on a Thursday evening, put the phone on the bed and didn’t return for four days. Curtis had called the police and asked for help but no one came. He was not able to get out of bed without assistance. We cried as we listened to his story. With his permission, we wiped the tears from his face. No wonder he’s an activist.

Our time together flew by quickly as we shared laughter, tears and even some silence. After a couple of hours together, this gentle giant said, “There is something I’ve always wondered about. Perhaps you two can help me understand.”
We nodded, “We’ll try.”
And then he leaned close and said, “What does it feel like to walk?”
Our new friend has never taken a step. The three of us shared our feelings and ideas. We decided that walking is just a way to get from one place to another and that we should all be able to do that equally as easy. But we know that isn’t the way it is. We believe that when society views people with disabilities as having equal value and equal importance that will be the case.

Curtis was an activist and a dreamer the rest of his life. He told us that he dreamed of feeling his toes in the sand on a beach. Curtis has left life as we know it on this physical plane. We can imagine the smile on his face and the twinkle in his eyes as he wiggles those toes in the sand and walks wherever he is.