Why don’t they tell? Blog by Shirley Paceley, Blue Tower Training
I am often asked by family members and professionals why self-advocates don’t tell when someone hurts them. There are a multitude of valid reasons and I want to explore that topic with you today. First of all, many people with disabilities are not taught about their rights to be safe—not told what abuse is and what to do if someone hurts them. When asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about this?” many people have said, “Because you didn’t ask.” So, by not teaching about rights and the value of speaking up for oneself and not asking when we notice changes in a person’s emotions or behaviors, keep the secret of abuse hidden in the silence.
Another factor in ‘not telling’ about abuse is that we often teach people to ignore it when someone hurts them When a person tells a parent, teacher or staff member that someone has called them a hurtful name, the response is often, “Just ignore them.” Words can be hurtful and telling someone to ignore hurtful comments is not helpful and actually may teach the person to “ignore it when people hurt you.” It may also teach the person that no action will be taken when they report being hurt. This is a dangerous lesson for us to teach anyone.
Self-advocates report many fears related to telling when they are being hurt. They report being afraid that no one will believe them; that they will be blamed for the situation; that they will lose their independence (e.g., “If I tell my mom I was raped on a date, she will never let me date again”.) that they will lose their home, their job, their children, their services, their friends and family; and also that the person who is hurting them will hurt them even more. Many times the offender of abuse of people with disabilities is someone who has power over the self-advocate. Also remember that offenders can be very charming. I know of many situations when the self-advocate spoke out about abuse and were openly criticized and humiliated for ‘trying to get someone in trouble’.
So, as family members, advocates and professionals, we can understand this issuer through the lens of self-advocates and learn to create environments in which people with disabilities can safely tell when they are being hurt and receiver a compassionate and individualized response. Here are some steps to consider:
1. Educate self-advocates about their rights, about abuse and reporting, about resources and options for healing if abuse occurs, and about peer advocacy.
2. Encourage and empower self-advocates who are interested in teaching their peers to do so.
3. Delete the phrase “Just ignore them” from your responses when someone tells you they are being bullied, etc. Listen to the person and engage with them to find an active solution.
4. Observe for changes in personality, emotions, behavior, etc. and ask the person what has happened.
5. Learn how to respond when someone tells you they are being hurt (see www.illinoisimagines.com for a variety of resources).
6. If you are a mandated reporter, tell the self-advocates you work with what this means. When someone discloses abuse, ask them if they want to report with you. Offer them an advocate. Keep them informed.
7. Make sure that people are never punished or criticized for reporting abuse. Believe and Listen. Inform the person of their options and empower them to make decisions.
8. Work with your community victim services organization. They can be of great value when someone has been sexually assaulted or a victim of domestic violence.
9. Explore with the person available options for safety and healing. Remember that recovery from abuse takes time and is not a straight path. Be patient.
10. Find ways to take care of yourself. When someone you care about is abused, it can cause you emotional distress. Taking care of yourself is a gift for you and the person who has been abused.
Feel free to contact Blue Tower Training for further discussion.
