What do you see?

It was a conversation I have never forgotten. I was talking with a colleague one afternoon and we frequently had deep conversations so I was not surprised when she asked me a question I have never been asked before. With a serious tone of voice and somewhat desperate eyes, she asked, “WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME, WHAT DO YOU SEE?” I took a moment to look at her and I answered confidently and honestly, “I see a woman with a big heart, a kind person, a poet, a friend, a passionate person who believes strongly in equality and justice. I see a person with the courage to try new things. I see a colleague, a sister, a daughter, a trainer and a seeker.” She listened closely and then responded, “Really? Most people only see that I walk funny and talk funny.” This broke my heart. This amazing, talented woman was being excluded from so many life opportunities because she has a disability. So many people did not benefit from knowing her…because of what they saw when they looked at her. She had been denied so many opportunities, because of these same unfair judgments. So now this has become part of my training workshops—to encourage people to consider “what do you see when you look at someone with a disability? Do you see someone who is different than yourself? Do you see someone with feelings, and gifts and talents and contributions to make? Do you see someone who is broken or someone with lots of resources?” This is a critical question for those of us who work with victims with disabilities; for those of us who do prevention education; for those us who counsel survivors of trauma….for many of us. For us to do our work well, we must see the person first. If we focus only on the disability, we will miss the opportunity to know THIS ONE PERSON and all of the aspects of their humanity. This week I was speaking with a friend about victim services and she had this recommendation. “Hear my story. Get to know me. Don’t interrupt. And then it is okay to say: “I have worked with people with disabilities but I have never worked with you. I need you to teach me what I need to know to work with you.” Or simply, “How can I best help you?” Our attitudes and misperceptions often get in the way of equally including everyone in our work. So be aware of what you see when you look at someone. If you are making assumptions based on a label or a difference, find a way to shift your perception. And over the years I have learned it is not only important what I see when I look at someone else, but it matters what I see when I look at myself. So here is a question for you: “When you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you see someone who is capable and resilient? Do you see someone who can work comfortably with people with disabilities? Do you see your many talents and resources? Are you gentle with yourself when you make a mistake? Do you see your connection with all other humans? We are all a work in progress and that gives me so much hope for a better future. The key is awareness and openness to make changes. So, the next time you look at someone with a disability, know that you have the resources to make a difference in their life, just as they have the resources to make a difference in yours. Peace out, Shirley